My boys as a microcosm

Erik and I spend a good part of our day trying to stop our two oldest boys from setting themselves up to be mortal enemies. Neither of them gives the other any benefit of doubt. One yells way too loud and too quickly. One feels the constant need to rub the other one's ignorance in his face. One covers his ears and repeats annoying provoking statements. One hits swiftly at the slightest cause. One has a victim complex and has mentally cataloged every slight in his life. I should mention that these are good boys, and we love them. And they come to each other's defense when anyone else trespasses against them. But other than that we are constantly trying to get them to act like they hope to be friends one day. And, believe me, it becomes harder after hearing from both of them individually that the thought of growing up and being free of each other doesn't currently bother them. But as parents we know that they are robbing from their futures, even if they currently don't think so. 

So how do we cultivate peace and a mutual respect in our home at the very least? Ground rules, for starters; but that's not enough. Ground rules help keep our house from being damaged and keep bones from being broken, but you can follow the ground rules without developing a healthy relationship with your siblings. And ground rules are frequently tossed out the window when you perceive that your brother has already done so. The ground rules don't change the heart. So what else? Preaching against division, bemoaning their futures? Not really all that effective. Each boy in turn thinks that you aren't taking in to account how justified he was, and each assumes that it is the other who needs to change. No, in my experience, preaching in generalities does not soften hearts. It just makes you feel good for self-identifying as one who objects to the situation.

So what does soften hearts? From the limited success I have had, swift acknowledgement of an individual's grievances is the first step. Only then can you work on getting each boy to understand that that doesn't excuse their reaction. Without a very specific acknowledgement, there is no getting through. 

I see this as a microcosm for our country. And while I frequently and involuntarily switch roles between being one of the boys in this story and being one of the parents, I am looking to all of the consistent "parents" in this world (if there are any left) to hear my plea: Understand the grievances. The more you dismiss people as stupid, crazy, dangerous, hateful, or some kind of "ist" for having a grievance, the greater the divide becomes. The more you refuse to entertain opinions, concerns, and questions in polite society, the greater the divide becomes. The more dismissive you are of the grievances, the harder the hart of the person who you are trying to get through to. And if the heart is hardened, the brain will be off limits too. 

I could stop here, but since specificity is key, I will also point out that one of these boys is advantaged. He is stronger. He is wilier. He has a sense of superiority and has more resources at his disposal. He punches down, while the other is punching up. Again, not something that justifies the smaller one's behavior, but a grievance to acknowledge before making any progress with either of them. Now, bear with me here, but I submit that the political Left is the big brother, and I don't think that should be too controversial. When leftist narratives serve as "the" news while narratives on the right are "right-wing" news; when you have Jack Dorsey, Jeff Bezos, Sundar Pichai, and Susan Wojcicki on your side; when you know without checking that certain politicians (and doctors) will be gracing the covers of People and Vogue while others with just as relevant and inspiring stories never will; when some of the most vile, hateful, insurrectionist, and violent tweets are allowed to remain on Twitter while Parler gets the rug pulled out from underneath it and is labeled as a "dangerous" app; when adding obvious pronouns to your LinkedIn profile is the enlightened thing to do; when conservatives in Hollywood have to be guaranteed anonymity before joining a conservative networking group; when violence, death, and up to $2 billion in property damage across the country this summer are declared to be distracting outliers to peaceful protests (and no one of note is held responsible for their inflammatory rhetorical contributions) while a raid on the Capitol building by a similarly unrepresentative set of criminals is cause for every single conservative to repent for tolerating dangerous rhetoric; when most other countries accept big government as an automatic element of both sides of their political spectrum ... the Left is the older brother.  

That is not to say that the Left is bad or automatically at fault. But it is the older brother. And we would do well to acknowledge it, the same way it must be acknowledged and taken in to consideration when I try to connect with the boys. If it is not acknowledged, I see no hope. I see the crazy look in my younger boy's eyes when he has had enough and feels like he has been backed in to a corner with no adult coming to his defense. I see blacklisting and shadow economies. I see increased self-righteousness while being completely out of touch and not helping. I see the crumbling of the social contract. I see a total rejection of the ground rules. And that is heartbreaking. 

Our new president sells himself as an adult in the room, though so far I have only seen him validate the grievances of his favorite kid. Will he act like the adult we need in our home? Are there any adults left?